What is self-love?
Many of us have heard the term "self-love" and many of us assume due to our upbringing and societal programming that it is a negative egotistical self-centred attitude. We have all heard of people saying in a negative way ‘oh he loves himself’ or ‘she loves herself’ so we develop a negative association with the term and overlook what it actually means and what healthy self-love actually looks like.
The origins of the distorted view of self-love
This negative connotation often stems from societal pressures to prioritize others' needs over our own. The reasons for this are quite in depth and complex which I won’t dive into too much here but traditional and outdated gender roles and an inbuilt fear of rejection. We learn as children to prioritise others to avoid conflict, deflecting attention by focussing on the needs of others are at its root. We're taught from a young age to be selfless, to put others first, and to downplay our own needs and desires. This can lead to a distorted view of self-care and self-love, equating them with selfishness or arrogance. Additionally, the media often perpetuates unrealistic beauty standards and unattainable ideals, which can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism.
Breaking Free: A Woman's Journey to Rediscovery- real life client story
A busy wife and mother of three in her early fifties, my client found herself adrift after her children left home and her mother passed away. Once immersed in the roles of caregiver and nurturer, she now experienced a profound sense of loss and purposelessness. Despite her GP diagnosing depression and prescribing antidepressants, she felt emotionally numb, disconnected from her true self.
Over eight sessions, using various methods to uncover stuffed down emotions we delved deep into her life story, revealing a complex tapestry of emotions and experiences that had never been addressed or felt through. A core belief emerged: her worth was contingent on pleasing others. This pattern, originating in childhood, persisted through her marriage, motherhood, and caregiving roles. Her constant focus on the needs of others had stifled her own desires and led to resentment and guilt.
Through our work together, doing time line therapy, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), and the emotional release technique (a simple technique I have developed myself) we gradually challenged and replaced this limiting belief. As she rediscovered her voice and reclaimed her identity, a sense of joy and optimism began to emerge. This transformation highlights the common yet often overlooked impact of self-neglect on an individual’s well-being.
The lady in question went on to rediscover her love for art and started a painting class. She began volunteering at a local food bank charity utilising her bookkeeping skills from her early career. Had new found purpose and was prioritising her needs and desires first. Think of the plane analogy, you must put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others put on their masks.
Distinguishing self-love from selfishness, narcissism, or complacency
At this point I feel it's crucial to differentiate self-love from selfishness, narcissism, or complacency. Self-love is not about prioritizing oneself at the expense of others; it's about recognizing and valuing your own worth without compromising your relationships. Unlike narcissism, self-love focuses on self-compassion and growth rather than self-obsession. And contrary to complacency, which is the passive acceptance of what is without striving for growth in any way. self-love is an active pursuit of personal well-being and fulfilment. Ultimately, self-love empowers you to show up fully for yourself and others, fostering healthier connections and a more fulfilling life. It's about nurturing your current self while also striving to become the best version of yourself.
What is self-love?
We have looked at what it is not and touched upon what it is in very broad and simple terms but what might it look like on a day to day basis? Self-love in action could be broken down into a few categories:
Self-care: Prioritising physical, mental, and emotional well-being through activities like exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. These areas I like to refer to as the 4 bodies of which we are comprised. The mental, the physical, the emotional and the spiritual. A really useful exercise to do here is to either draw a cross on a piece of paper, each quadrant representing 1 of the 4 bodies and in each section write down 5 things you could do for that ‘part’ of yourself or you could put together a simple grid, see example below:-
Once you have written out the different things you could do for each part you can then ensure that you set time aside everyday to nurture each part in a small way. This exercise is also useful to pinpoint in what area give most of our attention.
Mental Body | Physical Body | Emotional Body | Spiritual Body |
Meditation | Exercise | Journaling | Nature walks |
Reading | Healthy diet | Therapy | Mindfulness |
Puzzles | Sleep | Spending time with loved ones | Yoga |
Learning new skills | Massage | Creative- painting/drawing | Meditation |
Positive affirmations | Hydration | Laughter | Gratitude practice |
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Setting boundaries: Respecting your limits and saying no when necessary. This is a crucial part of self-love in action. We are also conditioned to think it is rude to say no to something and as people pleasers we will often agree to an activity when we really don’t want to do it. When we do this it generally leads to feelings of resentment or irritation. It is never wrong to say no, Saying no can be incredibly empowering. It's a statement of self-respect and a recognition of your own limits. When we constantly agree to things out of obligation, we risk neglecting our own needs and depleting our energy.
Prioritizing yourself doesn't make you selfish; it makes you healthy. By saying no, you create space for activities that truly nourish you, improve your overall well-being, and foster healthier relationships. It's about striking a balance between your commitments and your personal needs.
Remember, it's okay to put yourself first. By setting boundaries, you're not only protecting your own well-being but also teaching others how to respect your time and energy.
Positive self-talk: Challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with affirmations. I have discussed this topic in another blog on self-love but this is a fundamental aspect of the journey to self-love. That voice in your head is the product of years of conditioning and programming and feels awful when we do it because it is not true. Our inner critic, that relentless voice filled with doubt and negativity, can be a formidable opponent. It's become so ingrained that it can feel like a natural part of who we are.
The truth is, these negative thoughts are not facts. They are simply interpretations of events, filtered through our past experiences and beliefs. By recognizing this, we can begin to challenge their validity and replace them with more positive and empowering thoughts.
Affirmations are a powerful tool for rewiring our brains. By consistently challenging these internal comments and restating them to find positive statements about ourselves, we can gradually shift our mindset and build a stronger sense of self-worth.
Are you ready to embrace more self-love into your life?
Embarking on the journey of self-love is a transformative experience. It doesn’t happen overnight but as you begin with small steps to reclaiming your power, honouring your needs, and cultivating a deep sense of self-worth not only will you feel better within yourself but you will notice fundamental positive changes in your external world. Relationships improve, confidence improves and anxiety and stress decrease. By understanding the societal pressures that have shaped our perceptions of self-love and taking concrete steps to nurture your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, you're investing in a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life. Remember, self-love is not a destination but a lifelong journey. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your progress, and embrace the incredible person you are becoming. Remember- you are the most important person in your universe!
Ready to embark on your self-love journey? You can take the first step by getting in contact with me for your free telephone consultation to see how I can best help you. Alternatively I have more content on this subject and many others on my blog or follow me on social media Facebook or YouTube where I post videos on a whole host of subjects. Remember, you deserve love and happiness – Why wait? Start today and begin living the life you have always wanted and that always starts with your relationship to yourself!
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