Exploring the disconnect we have between self love and the love we extend to others.
Over the 12 years I have worked in a coaching or therapeutic capacity with clients I have found there's a profound disconnect between the love we extend to others and the love we withhold from ourselves. This discrepancy is a rich area for exploration which I aim to investigate in some greater detail.
One of the first questions I sometimes ask a new client is on a scale of 1-10 where 10 is the highest how much would you say you love yourself, the answer is invariably below 5 and 100% of the time is below 10. When asked the same question about the person closet to them in their life, a partner/ best friend/ parent or sibling the answer is always much higher. I find this both astounding and very interesting and have made it my mission to explore this concept and to dive in and find out why and what the consequences of this belief system are, where this comes from and why we so readily accept this as a truth.
Why it is crucial to start cultivating self love.
Self-love is the cornerstone of personal growth and healing. It's the foundation upon which we build resilience, confidence, and fulfilling relationships. When we cultivate a deep sense of self-worth and compassion, we empower ourselves to overcome challenges, process emotions, and create a life that truly nourishes our soul. If we really think about it
we are the most important person in our universe, which seems so obvious when pointed out but it is something we collectively seem to have no concept of. When this fundamental ‘knowing’ is highlighted it seems like insanity that we would not put self-love as our top priority.
By prioritizing self-love, we embark on a journey of self-discovery and acceptance. It's about recognizing our inherent value, flaws and all, and treating ourselves with the kindness and respect we deserve, just as we would treat the person that we love the most in the world. This inner work is essential for healing past wounds, building self-esteem, and developing a healthier relationship with ourselves and others.
Have you ever really stop and listened to your own inner critic?
"For a moment, think about this: What does your internal dialogue about yourself sound like? Is it a critical cacophony of should's and shouldn'ts? A barrage of comments about how you look, how you could look better, how you need to go on a diet, get new clothes, or undergo a cosmetic procedure? Perhaps it's a voice of comparison that always falls short of what it perceives it should be to be successful, admired, appreciated, validated, or loved? Is there a theme of 'when I get/do/become... I will feel better/be successful, etc?'
I know first-hand the impact of this relentless inner critic. There was a time when I was so consumed by self-doubt that I couldn't see my own worth. It wasn't until I consciously examined my thoughts that I realized the destructive power of my self-talk. This conscious examining of thoughts was incredibly interesting, I decided to examine all of the thoughts I was having over a 2 week period and then ask myself for each one I caught 1- is this true? And if the answer was yes, how do you know? Over the period of time I did this I discovered that most of my inner critic thoughts (of which there were many) were completely unsubstantiated in reality, they felt uncomfortable and hurtful. It was at this point that I decided to course correct my life.
Would you talk to the person you love the most the way you talk to yourself? Recognising the inner-critic.
Imagine saying the things your inner critic says to you to the person you love the most in the world. Really imagine sitting in front of them and saying those things that seem normal to say to yourself. Notice how that feels in your body. It probably feels uncomfortable, incorrect, even hurtful. Why is that? Is it because the things you're saying to them are untrue? Unkind? Unfair? And if it feels that way when directed at someone else, could it also be untrue when directed at yourself?
This realization was a turning point for me. It helped me to see that my inner critic was not a reliable source of truth. By shifting my focus to self-compassion, I began to heal the wounds inflicted by years of self-criticism."
So where does this inner critic come from originally? Why does it develop?
Our inner critic is often a product of our past experiences. It's a survival mechanism that developed to protect us from perceived threats which develops as the ego personality develops. Perhaps it originated from childhood criticism, societal pressures, or a fear of failure or from a combination of all of those things. Over time, this critical voice can become so ingrained that we mistake it as the truth about who we are, it is not!
My own story
In secondary school I remember a distinct time of this internal self-criticism starting for me. I was 13 years old, had just moved house and therefore schools and found myself in a much larger comprehensive school with 2000 other teenagers none of which were familiar to me.
I had always been a quiet shy and reserved child, I loved animals and nature, being outdoors and playing with a small group of friends that I had grown up with. I was always a very tall child and at age 11 I was the height I am now which is 5ft 10.5 inches which made me stand out to say the least, I was quite self-conscious of this and was also very skinny.
On Moving to this new school because of being painfully shy I was very quiet. It seemed that this personality trait was intriguing to a number of my classmates who set about saying unkind comments to see if they got a reaction. The comments started with things like, oh she thinks she is so posh, wont speak to us, stuck up, snooty, with her lanky body and spaghetti legs, what’s it like to be giant? (also at the time there was an advert for sweetcorn on the television where the brand name was green giant and the end of it went… ho ho ho …green giant) so this was hilarious to chant on a daily basis.
The psychological damage from bullying
The psychological effect on me was profound there were other things that were commented on such as my hair being too bushy and thick, “you look like a doll in a box” “who do you think you are?” . Over time I became more and more reluctant to go to school, had anxiety in the morning and especially on a Sunday night and preferred to walk miles to school rather than get the school bus. I just wanted to be invisible and avoided my peers wherever possible. All of this started to turn inwards where I would be looking at myself in the mirror and wanting to change my physical appearance to ‘fit in’ to not stand out. Stooping in an attempt to look smaller, getting my long hair cut short in an attempt to look less like a doll. My inner critic started to take on some of this and I became highly judgemental about both my physical appearance and of my personality. I can honestly say around the ages of 13-20 I hated myself.
The journey to self compassion and self perception
The seeds of my inner critic were sown in those formative years, taking root and flourishing in a toxic environment of self-doubt and insecurity. It's a painful realization to acknowledge the extent to which these experiences shaped my self-perception. However, it’s also a liberating one. By understanding the origins of my inner critic, I’ve begun to dismantle its power. It’s a journey, and there are still days when the critic rears its ugly head. But with each act of self-compassion and self-care, I have chipped away at its influence. My hope is that by sharing my story, others will recognize the patterns of their own inner critics and find the strength to challenge them. This is at the core of each and everyone’s own healing journey.
Building self-esteem, confidence and resilience and mastery over the inner critic
My experience ignited a fire within me to help others break free from the stranglehold of negative self-beliefs and ingrained patterns. Recognizing the utter falseness of those hurtful inner critic comments was the turning point on my journey. Now, my mission is to empower anyone struggling with self-doubt and negative self-talk. I want to help change a million lives, one act of self-compassion at a time. Heal yourself, as you do this you inspire all those around you in your daily interactions. When we do this we heal the world.
If this sounds like something you resonate with in terms of your own experience and would like to explore this further, please get in touch.
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